Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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