good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
