I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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