16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
