I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
