At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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