maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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