Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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