Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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