i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
