You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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