Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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