He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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