found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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