I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
