Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
