Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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