I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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