he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
