so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
