Cold hands, warm shart.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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