dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
