she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
