Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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