I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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