Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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