yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
