I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dick very happy bro
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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