She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
