he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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