P.S. I can't hear my feet
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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