thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
