Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
