My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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