My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
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