soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
