I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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