I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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