Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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