I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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