I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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