whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
