Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
