i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
