first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
