My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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