why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
