i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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