I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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