Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
